Experimento: Part III: Killer Donkeys

 For this experiment, you will need to acquire a donkey; preferably one from this planet.

Convert your garden shed into a home (or barrack) for the donkey. This will be where they will be living for the next few months as you slowly and patiently train them to become crazed flesh eating killers.

To begin the experiment, plaster the walls of the barrack with film posters that glorify violence, such as Rambo, Scarface and Toy Story to name but a few; these can be picked up in any dollar store. Next, keep the donkey hungry but alive, this is the part where you have to be wary of prying animals rights activist neighbours, if you're reported and found to be creating an army of killer donkeys, it may very well put a quick end to your career as an evil genius.

Once the donkey is sufficiently hungry and begging for food. Put a monitor inside the donkey's room, and connect that to an external camera. Invite a group of your closest friends over and have a barbecue, the donkey will watch you eat meat. At this point they will be open to eating anything, including people.

So the next step, is to now and then open the door of the shed, and throw in large bloody pieces of raw meat. If you have done everything correctly up to now, the test subject will proceed to devour the protein laden food source, and immediately forsake the vegetarian ways of their donkey religion. Throw in a few straws of hay, not too much, just to provide enough fibre to prevent constipation.

Now that your soldier is well fed, they are almost ready to go to battle. Firstly, they must learn to kill a live moving target. You have to understand that a donkey does not come equipped with the killer instincts of say, a lion or a chimpanzee (who's had it's feet tickled continuously for a hour), but donkeys are cheaper, expendable and more able to cope in a combat situation than a lion.

If you would like to continue the most important stage of the experiment, I have produced a 12 page booklet that explains in thorough step-by-step detail the process of donkey military training. I'll send to you this groundbreaking book, for a time limited offer price of only $30, which includes postage, packaging and my 5 page autobiography, 'How I used donkey power to conquer Australia'.