Exciting Vindaloo Eating

Chinese people are not designed to eat curry.

In the original blueprints of the different races of man, god said to his best friend and voluntary helper, satan, 'I don't think we should make Chinese people curry eaters.'
Satan replies, 'Damn god, you come up with all the best ideas'.

So on this hot summer afternoon, baking like a spud in my oven of a room for I was not blessed by the gods of air conditioning, I decided to cook a chicken vindaloo.

I anxiously cut the chicken into small pieces. My hands were shaking and sweat poured from my face onto the raw lumps of the creature that I would later digest. Chop, chop, chop. Here I was a Chinese man on a mission to make a vindaloo using the flesh of a feathered monster that once terrified innocent country folk.

The pieces were fried, and the dangerous vindaloo curry paste that I had acquired from east Indian anarchists was poured lovingly on top. The sauce sizzled, and spat at me, hating me for what I was. I pulled my underpants down to my knees, and emptied the contents of my bladder into the mixture, the secret ingredient that Indian restaurant chefs guarded fiercely.
This vindaloo was going to be fucking good. Twenty more minutes of simmering and the fucking bastard child of satan would be ready to consume me. I put on my leather gimp costume and looked in the mirror, 'Jesus, I'm so fucking hot.'

I filled a bowl with rice and a dollop of the hateful vindaloo with the dead chicken. 'Ho hum, I said to myself.' I placed the bowl onto the coffee table and went down on my knees. The acrid fumes that rose from the dish scorched my eyes, I screamed in pain. I unzipped my mouth free and placed a spoonful of the piping hot preparation into my mouth. I could feel the acidic substance dissolving my teeth and gums, searing pain from my tongue crept up to my ears and eyeballs. I swallowed.

The pain was intense as a hot lump of coal moving through my digestive system. My stomach convulsed and forced me to throw myself violently onto the floor. I screamed in pain. My vision blurred. Every single nerve ending in my body was singed. Just before I blacked out, I heard an ambulance arrive outside my house.