Desperation Point: The Hit Job on David Maccaroni

My phone was broken; it had been ringing incessantly around the clock for the past two weeks. David Maccaroni had sucked the life out of my phone, he's a human mosquito; but he makes a more annoying sound. In desperation, I called my friend Baz in London from a phone box.

'Yeah Baz speaking.' said the gruff voice on the other side.
'Hey Baz it's me Lee, how you doing?'
'Who?'
'You know, the Chinese guy who went to Canada.'
'Hey mate! hows it going?'
'Look I need a favour...'
'Whatever it is, it'll cost ya.'

So I went on to explain to Baz how this guy called David Maccaroni was beginning to annoy me by calling me all the time and telling me how bored he was. I told him, that I would be more than willing to cover his 'expenses' if he would help me 'get rid of the guy'. He would arrive the next day.

David Maccaroni was sitting on my doorstep when I got home. He looked irritated, but mostly bored. 'Hey dude man, hey, I've been trying to call you man, but I think there's something wrong with your phone man.' he whined. I nodded. 'Dude, I was wondering if you wanted to hang out tomorrow night? me and a bunch of friends are going out for a drink at a really cool bar.'
I smiled coolly, 'Sure Dave, mind if I bring a friend?'

We met at the Pink Rhino, a trendy bar in the trendiest part of Queen Street, Downtown. David Maccaroni introduced two of his buddies to me and Baz, John Bologna and Steve Pistachio.

There was a horrid stench coming from one of his friends that reminded me of a past roommate's waste paper basket which was always filled to the brim with stale cum tissues. Neither John or Steve made eye contact when they spoke to anyone. Steve Pistachio was busy staring at the waitress, she came over and he quickly turned away to stare at the beer mat that he was playing with his grubby fingers.

'Can I get you something to drink?' she chirped with a smile.
Dave brushed his thin hair back, 'Yes, what beers do you have on tap?'
'We have Keiths, Rickards, Pilchards, Mongroes, Wickets, Midgets, Pansies and Roys.'
Dave was staring at her breasts, 'Ummm, which one is good?'
'They're all good, the Mongroes beer is on special offer at the moment.'
'We'll take the special offer beer in that case!' said Dave delightedly at her breasts without even bothering to confer with the rest of us.
'A pitcher?'
'Yes! that will be great, thank you miss.'

John Bologna was staring at me like I was a television set. He eventually spoke, 'Do you like pineapples?'
'Yes, I love pineapples, probably my favourite fruit.' I replied.
'I don't like them.'
'Why?'
'I dunno.' He shrugged his shoulders and stared into a space about twenty six centimetres behind my back, and sixteen centimetres above my shoulder.

'You look like Harrison Ford.' said Baz unexpectedly to Steve Pistachio.
'I've been told that.' replied Steve.
'Harrison Ford fucking kicked arse in Star Wars. I liked the way he went fucking ape shit and blew those stormtroopers apart. He's a fucking psycho.'
Steve mumbled something under his breath, shifted uncomfortably and then began to play with the beer mat again.

'Mannn, that waitress was pretty hot eh?' said David after about ten minutes of sustained group silence where we were just staring at the wood table.
'Yeah, if you're into that sort of thing Dave.' I replied monotonously.
'Dude, she had a yummy set of perfect breasts, hmmm yeah!' he laughed.
'Fake breasts Dave, they were fake...'
'What the hell are you talking about dude? they were f-i-i-i-i-ne!" he laughed mockingly and looked at his friends.
'Dave, the "she" that you were talking about was a fucking transvestite; you hate that shit, you hate gay people.'
'Mannn, I don't like your tone man, you're trying to say that I'm gay or something?'
'Dave,' I began condescendingly, 'we're in a gay bar... you chose to come to a fucking gay bar! There was a notice outside that said that there's going to be a drag queen show in about half an hour!'
'Dude, are you serious?' panicked Dave, 'we have to get out of here man!' At that moment, the waitress arrived with the pitcher of beer.

The Harrison Ford look alike was hunched over his beer, eyes darting nervously around the room as he rotated the glass between his fingers. John Bologna was staring at the bubbles in his beer. Baz watched Dave, as a lion watches it's next meal. 'Hey guys, we should drink up, I don't know about you guys, but I'm bored, this is so sad man, we gotta go and do something interesting!' said Dave.

The next morning, Dave's naked body was discovered by the police. He had been tied up, gagged and left floating on a rubber dinghy on the lake. A twelve inch dildo had been brutally rammed up his arse and held in place by duct tape. A plastic blow up alien sex doll had been strapped to his midriff. He was so high on a cocktail of ecstacy, tequila and psychedelic drugs, that he was still busy pumping the doll when they had discovered him.