Click here for Part I of this exciting five part story.Once upon a time, when the land was dark, before the Great Macabadee was bothered to go to the dollar mart and buy a replacement light bulb, which we now call the sun, a monkey philosopher, Tsing Tao Chikun said:
There are times, when you know what to say and it is the truth, for the truth is ethereal as the light of day and brighter than a thing that gives off an awful lot of brightness; and there is no truth but that truth which is deemed to be true.
Our beloved monkeys, for there were only one kind before the later devolution period which introduced the birth of homo sapiens, roamed the earth for billions of years, looking for the meaning of life. These humble creatures, greater than the sum of their parts; basically, a hairy skin bag, containing calcium scaffolding and untasty squishy red meat lumps, decided to start a religion.
What is religion? once asked a not too incredibly wise, but immensely curious creature; a beast with fierce piercing eyes, a dangerous pointed beak for a weapon, sharp talons and majestic wings: a chicken to be precise. The wise monkey philosopher called, Brack Brean Solce (by his friends), explained, as he clipped his toe nails into a steaming hot bowl of noodles and weiners, 'Religion, is something that is, what it is, it is not what it is not, for it is the being, not included or exclusive, a word that represents the representation. In essence, the insubstantial containment of the matter which we pertain to be what eludes us.'
The chicken, whose name was Fred, nodded in agreement; although, he really had no clue what the monkey had said, and was only doing so in order not to appear stupid. The monkey was wise enough to know this, in all actuality, he had set the chicken up in the first place, and now the monkey laughed mockingly behind his hand. Later that day at about three minutes past five pm, Fred's life came to a nasty bloody end, when he happened to stumble upon a gathering of druid monkeys, who immediately sacrificed him to the alien overlords.
Having discovered religion as a viable way of getting stuff from the alien overlords that they appeased, they started to use religion as a form of control to make other monkeys do their every bidding. In reality, it wasn't really that hard to get the primates to what they wanted, these hairy beings were very good at copying each other; rituals and ceremonies were easily learnt, but it was for the same reason that practical knowledge could be passed on too. Then science eventually replaced religion, and science enabled an abundance of wantable objects to be made, and then the new religion of commerce was born.
'Things' that's what the early monkeys called them. 'Things' were what all bipeds wanted, they loved to own things; particularly shiny things that did things. Everyone loves things. So a society was created, where things were created, and bought with things that was earnt by making things. Things became fashionable, and then they became unfashionable and back again.
Some of the monkeys loved things so much, that they wanted to write about those things, praise them and sell them. They wore the things with pride, and because these were influential monkeys, all the other monkeys wanted those things too; as if the things themselves imbued the wearer with a magical power.
A great monkey thinker, bothered by the obsession with 'things', solemnly remarked:
Things, who needs them? Is it the monkey who wants the thing, or is it the thing that wants the monkey. I don't know, all I know is that I don't want anything but a Rolex gold watch.
So the monkeys eventually stopped thinking. The process of buying things, does not require much brain power, all it needs is the basic function of the brain to imitate. Some of the monkeys, came to a sudden realization that they were nothing more than hairy skin bags of red stuff supported by white calcium logs with a pair of eyes and tentacles who were programmed for the acquisition of things. They were angry; firstly for the things having failed to seduce them, and secondly for the fact that they couldn't get a refund for many of the things that they had bought.
The enlightened monkeys could see what their society had become. Through carrying heavy loads of shopping, their fellow beings had developed an arched back, a wide gait, and stretched arms that swung near the ground. They no longer groomed the fleas off each other because they were too busy shopping, and therefore became covered in large glowing red hives which often became infected and oozed with pus. Enraged by all this, the enlightened ones left their forest dwellings to live by the sea where they would have wild parties by the campfire on the beaches.
The alien overlords, Mary and Jeffrey had moved house, they left the locker labelled, 'The Earth' to the new alien overlord owners. The locker was discovered by the new occupants in the attic, covered in dust. When they finally prised the door open, because the key was lost, a few million years had passed within it's stuffy, cobwebby confines, and when the alien overlords looked at the piece of paper that had originally been covered with ink blots, they found instead, that it was now an advert for Walmart.
-to be continued...
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