There are some things that one should know and not know, and other things that one should know to distinguish from each other.Purchasing a pet, particularly a carbon based life form is no easy matter.
A monkey, similar to a human but far more superior in terms of intelligence and physique. Michael Jackson kept a monkey that he codenamed 'Bubbles' to act as his manager and commander.
What is a monkey? A monkey is composed of a brain, a pair of eyes, a pair of nostrils, a pair of lips, two arms or tendrils which divide into five separate tendrils, a pair of legs or tendrils which culminate to a pair of stinky feet.
The creature is fairly symmetrical up until the molecular level. It has a solid system of scaffolding, that some rather peculiar human beings decided to call bones. The bones support the lumps of flesh that make up the majority of the organism.
The monkey can be compared to a smeared drop of ink on a page, a nuisance, but more often than not, a beautiful sight to behold. Why is the monkey's hair so inky black? Because the alien overlords created them with a broken fountain pen.
Allow me to indulge to you, the story of the creation of monkeys:
A couple of alien overlords, feeling quite bored after a game of table cricket, decided that a fun pastime would be to create a few new creatures and add them to the storage locker that they labelled 'The Earth'.
Each alien overlord (for there were only two at the time) decided that they would take turns going to the bowl of excrement, and produce forth from their testicles a tablespoon of milky white substance to be placed within a translucent container with a 'Hello Kitty' logo emblazoned on it's glass. (note: before some stupid human thought themselves clever enough to call the milky white substance, sperm)
One of the alien overlords, incapable of manufacturing this substance that modern day humans call 'spunk'; cheated, and put phlegm into the provided vessel. The 'Most Important Record of Times' show that the alien overlord went by the name, Mary.
Mary died a few billion years later from a boob infection.
The other alien overlord called himself, Jeffrey. His greatest achievement was creating a biological unit that functioned as a thinking device by the name of Albert Einstein. That is another story and it ends right here.
The alien overlords with their pots of milky white substance, skipped merrily into their back garden while looking up at the sky and thanking themselves for such brilliant creators; they made themselves, and were happy for being worshipped by themselves.
At the back of the garden was a small forest. It smelt terrible. There is a being that lives in the darkest shadow of it's undergrowth, it's name is Unmentionable. The two alien overlords, high on life, found Unmentionable sitting at the base of a tree. It was slimy and shaped like a sausage.
Once upon a time, a silly human, being not very happy with the state of the vocabulary of it's language, and terrified by an almost paralysingly morbid fear of not being able to communicate to it's tribe, invented the word 'shit'. The creature previously known as Unmentionable became shit.
So the two alien overlords consulted this being that we now refer to as shit.
'Hello...' said Jeffrey, smiling uncontrollably and licking his lips as if some strange twitch had seized his tongue.
Uncomfortable silence. It smelt bad. Nothing. Strange pause. The two alien overlords looked at each other and shrugged.
'Uhhh, I hope we're not disturbing you at the moment, we can come back later?' continued Jeffrey after a brief but polite period of inhaling and exhaling a jittery halitosis breath.
The shit looked like it was about to move; and then, it didn't. Jeffrey and Mary left and came back later. Upon the second visit, the shit spoke:
'The information that you seek from me, is hidden in you, but because you are too lazy to look within you for the answers that you seek, then I shall tell you. The formula for making an interesting and superior lifeform is to mix one part milky white substance with a jet black permanent ink, and it must be expelled from a pen that's had it's voice consumed by anger.'
There is a fountain pen that lives in Jeffrey's unwashed underwear drawer. Nothing special, just something bought from the dollar store, passed down through generations of alien overlords as a family heirloom. It sat there neglected, seething with hate, the hate of a thousand fountain pens that had been discarded in a similar fashion. It was so bitter and twisted with hatred for Jeffrey and his family, that over a period of centuries, it's nib had warped into a misshapen shard of metal.
That was the pen they used; that one. It smelt like Old Spice aftershave, Brillo cream and dirty cum stained boxer shorts. When Jeffrey, or The Jeffrey, as his friends preferred to call him, attempted to remove the said item from his drawer, he discovered that it had developed a fond attachment to a pair of his soiled Y-fronts. The two lovers, the pen and the underpants were inseparable.
They had mixed the blacker than black ink with the substances that they had acquired from their slightly uncooperative bodies. Filled the reservoir of that angry pen, and when they wrote upon the lined A4 paper, it produced a series of offensive drips and blotches on the clean surface.
When the paper was placed into the locker called, 'The Earth', those ink marks evolved into monkey beings. The alien overlords, Jeffrey and Mary were not amused. 'Those monkeys are too good for their own good...' Jeffrey would mumble everynight for a week after their first appearance in the locker, while he slept.
-to be continued...
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