The Man Who Thought He Was A Ghost

It's quite unusual for me to get such a bizarre story, but here it is:

John Roberts, a retired 23 year old street sweeper, believes he is a ghost. Now, you may be forgiven for thinking that John is mentally ill, but nothing could be further from the truth, he suffers from Fromage Frais Syndrome. John is not alone, the condition affects every one in five hundred trillion people and besides mild diarrhea, the most distressing symptom is the delusion of existing only in the spiritual dimension, doomed to walk the earth as an undead entity for all eternity.

John's wife, Mary, told us that he wouldn't talk to us unless we communicated via a Ouija board. She asked us to hold hands in order to 'channel' John into the room, then closed her eyes and called for John, "Can anybody hear me? John? John? Are you there?" It was at this point that a spectral projection, a stinky unshaven fat man in pyjamas, opened the door and shuffled into the room while eating a cheeseburger. Mary called out again, "John, are you there?" She quickly motioned us to the Spirit board and we all placed a finger on the planchette. John sat down in the sofa with a sigh and moved the wooden pointer to the word 'YES'.

Quite frankly, it was a tedious way of communicating with John, and the smell of his cheeseburger was making me quite hungry, but I persevered. I asked John if he missed being alive, he replied that being a ghost had its pros and cons, most of all he misses his wife and being able to make love with her, but he quickly added that the benefit of being a ghost was that he could move objects around and scare people. I asked  for a demonstration of his scare tactics and he picked up a newspaper and started waving it in front of my face; I watched him do this for forty seven minutes and twenty three seconds, then I got up and left without saying goodbye to either John or Mary.